Jimmy cried in pain twice tonight...
I remember the time when Jenna woke up on the day of her 7th birthday party -- throwing up. She had a bad stomach bug, and I broke the news to her that she wouldn't be able to have her birthday party that day, that we would need to postpone it. To her, I was the WORST mother in the world. She's the most respectful, loving, wonderful daughter (most of the time, lol), but that moment when I told her, she turned into a monster who hit me, told me she hated me, screamed, cried, threw herself on the ground - I took it all. I let her do it. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to her, and according to her, it was me that canceled it. I let her vent, calmed her down, and then cried for an hour myself. I felt terrible for her. I felt terrible doing it to her - the canceling of the party... I know it wasn't me, but I just feel responsible for anything bad that happens to my children.
So, I just finished crying. The poor kid had to get a new pump site as well as a new sensor site.
To start, Jimmy had a choice tonight -- a new site in either his belly, or hip (which still hasn't happened yet). He chose his leg - which was not an option. So, I caved and said the leg site was fine, as long as he ripped off the old site (which he HATES doing.) In the end, he chose his belly (I'll rip the site off when he's asleep.)
So, the belly it was. He has to prep himself, and say no, and run away, and come back and suck his stomach in, and put bluey on it (his blanket - see a much earlier post about bluey), and roll on the floor, and breathe in and out five hundred times, and I finally got him to sit still for 3 seconds and told him on 1 I would do it. I knew he would bolt, so I said 3, 2... And I did it before 1.
I'm the worst mother in the world. He screamed and cried and carried on for 15 minutes that I tricked him and that it hurt, and itched, and burned, etc...
Just like I took it when Jenna gave it to me, I took it this time, too.
Jenna's only done that once. Jimmy does it upon occasion when I insert a new pump site, and 1 in 3 times I insert a new sensor site. (sigh) He does it every so often for Jim, but at least then he comes running to me... My heart breaks regularly for my little boy. I can take it, but I just want him to grow up feeling this is his normal. I don't want him to feel different, or burdened, or stressed about it. I want him to know that this IS his normal.
He played Little League this season (maybe the tallest in the league, short of another tall boy on his team.) His first season!! How exciting it was!!! T-Ball might be the cutest thing ever (and I thought Kindergarten Softball was cute!!!) When Jimmy was up to bat, a father in the stands said loudly, "Oh no, they're gonna have to back up the players, this kid's a MONSTER!" I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or to hide behind the bleachers. With his size and our block's consistency in impromptu whiffle ball games in which Jimmy holds his own against kids older than him, he is able to whack the crap out of the ball (pardon my french). So, back to little league... after the dad in the stands informs the coach that the "monster" is up, the infield backs up, and Jimmy proceeds to hit the ball over their heads to just before the lip of the outfield. He proudly declared it a home run, even though every kid just hits and runs to 1st base. He feels great about playing, and I'm so happy for him.
So, he makes it to 1st base in one game, and the coach from the other team (all the coaches coach on the field) says to Jimmy, "So, what do you have there, a BEEPER or something????" (Jimmy ALWAYS wears his shirts un-tucked, until he began T-Ball this year, you see, baseball players tuck their shirts in... So, since Jimmy clips his pump (which he's named "Jeter") on his waist band, everyone can see it. Now, Jimmy is totally used to it at this point and it's not an issue. So, he looks to me on the sidelines (I heard the comment from the coach) and I said to him (and I really felt badly), "It's his insulin pump." He said he was sorry, and visibly felt terrible and apologized, but I believe this may have been his first time that Jimmy knew that an insulin pump may not be the norm.
I said it earlier, I don't want him to feel badly, burdened or stressed about having diabetes. I don't want him to feel different.
My little boy. My sweet, little boy. He's so perfect and precious and such a "regular kid" in every way. But, there's this thing called diabetes that prevents him from being "regular." It's my job to make sure he can answer the question about what his pump is with confidence. I hope he can answer the question about his pump, "Hey is that a beeper?" when asked with complete confidence - as if it's such a normal thing and that it's SO not out of the ordinary.
Or, do I sew pockets into every piece of clothing he owns so he can hide it and no one knows?
To be continued...
Peace,
June
p.s. Jimmy's baseball picture came out so stinkin' cute - will scan and post as soon as I can...
p.p.s. The sensor site was just as ugly tonight. I wish I could take all his pain away.
